Ethos?

Unfortunately, the new layout I chose for the blog doesn't allow me to use the same fancy colors that I did before... I'm sure there's a way to fix it, but I'm lazy... Really, really lazy.

Me: Whats in it for me?

Him: 20%... Of the tip of my penis.

Me: 100%.

...

Him: You drive a hard bargain.

Me: You drive a hard bargain!

I figured it'd be important to tell the few readers (one, maybe two) that follow us that we are happily married, despite our better judgement. We finally tied the knot on our two year anniversary and in all seriousness, I have to say, it was the best decision I've ever made. Mike is my best friend and I honestly could not be happier. I can't wait to see where our lives will take us, and the best part is we get to find out together. Yep... Enough of the mushy-mush crap... time for some recent funnies!

If I play video games on mute when I get home, will that keep you up?

I won't cuss.

Yes.

Oh.

You knew the answer to that.

You said another offensive thing in your sleep.

What did I say?

I put my arm around you and you informed me that we were moving too fast.

One of the neighborhood fucks left his train in the driveway.

I stole it.

You're horrible.

My dad said my insurance shouldn't be too much more since my rate went down.

Yeah, and you're married and a girl.

Looks like we have some haters in the audience today!

There actually won't be any crackin' out on video games at 2am in an apartment, either. If you want to fuck around, buy me a house.

What?!

Apartments are small and you're too intense with that shit.

You're not even pooping, you're just hanging out!

To do list: kill Karley

Shut up. Put that on your to do list.

Regarding You (With Commentary by Katie Gauthier)

Don't choose hastily and you won't have regrets, right?
But if you don't kill quickly, you'll chicken out.
Who would we make jokes about if he was dead though? I mean, realistically, we need him for laughs.
We could dress his corpse up in funny costumes. Or stick his hand down his pants... not that he doesn't do that already.

"That Mexican that just applied... he's illegal."
What if he really was and his mom never told him and then he got deported?
Good riddance!
More guacamole for you.
Amen. We really can't work together though and not just because he likes beans and hopped the border.
Because you'd kill and bury any girl that talked to him, right?
That, and conflict of interests which means since we've seen each other naked, we can't risk doin' it in the workplace.
You perverts.
You should apply to every place within a 15 mile radius of his house. Then tell him he can't apply to any of those places because you did first and he's seen you naked.
"That Mexican that just applied... he's seen me naked."
"And he's illegal. But more importantly, he's seen me naked."

Five for One and One for Five

Have you ever had Five Guys?
Maybe someday...

Viva La Blog

How can you be mad at me? I'm so cute and cuddly!

Taco Bell is gross.
Really? I love it. I love the crunchwrap.
Did you say cuntwrap?
Yeah, it's really good. They steam the cunt and wrap it in a tortilla... You wouldn't like it though, you don't eat cunt.

You know what would make me feel better?
My penis?
How did you know?!
My penis is psychic.
Too bad it doesn't have wheels. Maybe that's what you'll get for Christmas.
A little rocket car for my penis?!
They're on sale at Target. Merry Christmas!
Yaaay!

I know what those little lumps on my head are.
What are those freaky little things?
They're missiles I'm going to detonate next time you piss me off.
At least I'll be rid of them.
And I'll be rid of you.

Knock it off, I was drinking!
Drinking me...
Not if you keep it up.
Oh, I'll keep it up.

A Year Later and Still Funny

I'm glad you're not a super douche. Well, not twenty four/seven anyway.
Twelve/seven is pretty fair, in my book.
And that twelve hours is spent playing videogames.

You bought me a new game!?
Ha, you wish. Ann asked if I had to.
Damn, I got so excited. A new game to go out... I like her thinking.

Kouple's Kombat

Damn, Sonya's got broad shoulders.
And big titties.
Is that why we play this game?
Big cartoon titties.