Ethos?

Unfortunately, the new layout I chose for the blog doesn't allow me to use the same fancy colors that I did before... I'm sure there's a way to fix it, but I'm lazy... Really, really lazy.

Me: Whats in it for me?

Him: 20%... Of the tip of my penis.

Me: 100%.

...

Him: You drive a hard bargain.

Me: You drive a hard bargain!

I figured it'd be important to tell the few readers (one, maybe two) that follow us that we are happily married, despite our better judgement. We finally tied the knot on our two year anniversary and in all seriousness, I have to say, it was the best decision I've ever made. Mike is my best friend and I honestly could not be happier. I can't wait to see where our lives will take us, and the best part is we get to find out together. Yep... Enough of the mushy-mush crap... time for some recent funnies!

If I play video games on mute when I get home, will that keep you up?

I won't cuss.

Yes.

Oh.

You knew the answer to that.

You said another offensive thing in your sleep.

What did I say?

I put my arm around you and you informed me that we were moving too fast.

One of the neighborhood fucks left his train in the driveway.

I stole it.

You're horrible.

My dad said my insurance shouldn't be too much more since my rate went down.

Yeah, and you're married and a girl.

Looks like we have some haters in the audience today!

There actually won't be any crackin' out on video games at 2am in an apartment, either. If you want to fuck around, buy me a house.

What?!

Apartments are small and you're too intense with that shit.

You're not even pooping, you're just hanging out!

To do list: kill Karley

Shut up. Put that on your to do list.

Regarding You (With Commentary by Katie Gauthier)

Don't choose hastily and you won't have regrets, right?
But if you don't kill quickly, you'll chicken out.
Who would we make jokes about if he was dead though? I mean, realistically, we need him for laughs.
We could dress his corpse up in funny costumes. Or stick his hand down his pants... not that he doesn't do that already.

"That Mexican that just applied... he's illegal."
What if he really was and his mom never told him and then he got deported?
Good riddance!
More guacamole for you.
Amen. We really can't work together though and not just because he likes beans and hopped the border.
Because you'd kill and bury any girl that talked to him, right?
That, and conflict of interests which means since we've seen each other naked, we can't risk doin' it in the workplace.
You perverts.
You should apply to every place within a 15 mile radius of his house. Then tell him he can't apply to any of those places because you did first and he's seen you naked.
"That Mexican that just applied... he's seen me naked."
"And he's illegal. But more importantly, he's seen me naked."

Five for One and One for Five

Have you ever had Five Guys?
Maybe someday...

Viva La Blog

How can you be mad at me? I'm so cute and cuddly!

Taco Bell is gross.
Really? I love it. I love the crunchwrap.
Did you say cuntwrap?
Yeah, it's really good. They steam the cunt and wrap it in a tortilla... You wouldn't like it though, you don't eat cunt.

You know what would make me feel better?
My penis?
How did you know?!
My penis is psychic.
Too bad it doesn't have wheels. Maybe that's what you'll get for Christmas.
A little rocket car for my penis?!
They're on sale at Target. Merry Christmas!
Yaaay!

I know what those little lumps on my head are.
What are those freaky little things?
They're missiles I'm going to detonate next time you piss me off.
At least I'll be rid of them.
And I'll be rid of you.

Knock it off, I was drinking!
Drinking me...
Not if you keep it up.
Oh, I'll keep it up.

A Year Later and Still Funny

I'm glad you're not a super douche. Well, not twenty four/seven anyway.
Twelve/seven is pretty fair, in my book.
And that twelve hours is spent playing videogames.

You bought me a new game!?
Ha, you wish. Ann asked if I had to.
Damn, I got so excited. A new game to go out... I like her thinking.

Kouple's Kombat

Damn, Sonya's got broad shoulders.
And big titties.
Is that why we play this game?
Big cartoon titties.

Dogs and Bioshock

They had five chili dogs for $5!?
Why didn't you say anything!?
What were you going to do with five chili dogs?
I'll freeze them if I have to.
Or, keep them in a shoe box under your bed?
Yes.
And peak in on them every so often.
"You've been bad chili dogs. You're on time out!"
"I'm so eating you later."
*3 seconds of silence*
This is going on the blog.

Ooh, will you play Bioshock with me tonight?
Will you settle down for ten minutes.
Can it be fifteen? I have to stop by the post office.

Vroooom!
Didn't I ask you to settle down?
I don't follow your rules or the rules of the road.
Fine. I guess you're playing Bioshock alone then.
Fine! It's a single player game anyway!

Boobs or pizza?
Well, I'm not going to starve myself!

Nice legs, Daisy Dukes

Did you get hit on?
Some guy thought I was married and another with a nervous twitch asked if he could teach me the two step.
That's it? Even with an ass like yours?
Well, there was this girl there in Daisy Dukes and a cut off shirt. I had a little competition.
What's her number? Not for me... for a friend.

Uncategorized... But Worth Mentioning

You just got a lesson in precision driving.
How about a precision ass-whooping?

202

If I tell everyone that I forgot my wheelchair, will you push me around in this rollie chair all day?
That's stupid.
Why?
No one "forgets" their wheelchair.

Ditch Day!

See this naked finger?
Means I do what I want.

That's why I like taking you places.
So I don't have to make the scene.

You look really hot in heels.
Is that why you got all quiet?
Yeah, cause that Asian couple was in there.
I didn't want to stare at your ass the whole time.

I did not "cream my jeans".
Ooh, that's right. You were wearing shorts.

It's Sonic Good

Ooh, they have Limeade!
Huh?
Limeade.
You're so Mexican.
It's a specialty drink.

I was in shock.
Like, did she just do that?
Then, boom.
In my mouth.
(On the subject of tater tots)

What if you could get pregnant from giving blow jobs?
The world would be over populated.
We'd have like 10 kids.

Well, thanks for popping my Sonic cherry.
*pulls Maraschino from mouth*
Ha, cherry.
You're a child.

What if I had a mustache this thick?
Let me guess, I'd be single.
No, we'd just have a lot of Ralph's bags on hand.
With eye holes?
A mouth hole.

Facebooking (With Commentary by My Brother-in-Law Chris)

So for the last two days, every time I come outside I hear my neighbor playing either CoD or Halo. Would it be weird if I invited myself over?
Knock on the door, very nonchalantly introduce yourself, then be like, "Oh, you like CoD?" Whip out your controller, force entry and WREAK HAVOC!
Umm...Xbox live?
DUH
But I don't have CoD... He does.

Go buy CoD...right now...this second

Umm, last time I checked my sister was the boss of Chris. Not you.

And last time I checked, you weren't the boss of me. So...CoD...now

I beg to differ ;)
*Grabs a bowl of popcorn*
Don't mind me Mike.... keep talking like I'm not even here.
Cock cozy creep ass.
I was taking your side, Fender Tooth!

...must be all of the Miracle Chrome leeching in through your gums...

Hahaha....miracle chrome!
Stay the hell off of my Facebook.
You have a little lettuce right there *points* yea...yea...right there in your bracket...yup...right there.
Too bad your George Lopez sized head isn't filled with brains.
I'll remember that.
P.S. This George Lopez sized head with no brains received a higher grade in COMM 105...what does that say about you?
It says I'm ugly. You beat me with your looks, Sugarpants.
He only looks so good because he uses your teeth as a mirror.
BURN.

Silent Night

Seriously, I am the worst blog-writing girlfriend ever! Sadly, getting through the fall semester meant something had to be put on the back burner and for the love of God, it wasn't going to be Facebook. It's over now, and though the dust hasn't quite settled (as I wait for the verdict in World Religions) I have the better part of winter break to blog, blog, blog.
I chose today to pick up again as it marks our ninth month together, and I am also incredibly bored waiting to go to work. I spent a little time thinking about what I wanted to add early this morning when I couldn't sleep. I was unfortunately discouraged when I couldn't pull any memories or sappy words to mind, perhaps it was do to the wee hour of the morning or my curious lack of talent. In any case, my mind was a complete blank. Paper white. Like really? I could talk about how cheesy and lame we are. It's been done. I could talk about how we both agree on a threesome with Anne Hathaway. Too creepy, right? I could write a letter? No. No. No, a thousand times, no. Instead, I'm going to say nothing. Simply because nothing is completely perfect. Some of the greatest moments in the past nine months have been defined when we've said nothing at all. For example, March 17. I walked out of the Grand Marc gates, expecting a friend and was rendered quite speechless when instead I saw Mike. Silence is a beautiful thing, defined best in Pulp Fiction. "It's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence." I love to talk and I love to laugh with him and add all of our silly moments to this blog, but sometimes it's nice to simply enjoy nothing.

Even When I Can't Stand You...

Why can't she just suck dick on the side.
Like the rest of us.

Midnight Funnies

Easy there. You almost stuck your finger in my butt hole.
At least someone would have gotten in there.

You've just downed a whole bottle of vodka, what are you doing?
Mike.
You're horrible.
I can't lie to the people.

My Name is Mike and I'm an Alcoholic...

"Free booze?"
Why do you roll your eyes?
Every time we go somewhere, "free booze?"
To my sister's house, "free booze?"
How is that a bad thing?

"Beer before class leads to a pass; class before beer... you passed up a beer?"
Genius.

Fashion Emperor

While discussing the pocket design for Mike's jeans:

Left pocket/right pocket: |<| Y |>|
Is that a butt crack in the middle?
Yes it is.
You're amazing.

Old School

Most of this dialogue is pre-blog.
Enjoy.

What about roll-over dollars?
Does it say AT&T across my forehead?
No roll-over dollars!
Why the fuck not?
Because I said so.
What if I'm savvy one week? I won't be rewarded?
That is shit.

Katie thinks we're adorable. Isn't that disgusting?
Why?
She read the blog.
Well, I am pretty damn cute.
Eh, you're a'ight.

So you're going to call it My Classy Girlfriend, even though you're the one writing it?
Yes.
You son-of-a-bitch.

I'm in a man cave.
No!
Well, the Bat cave.
Woah, don't scare me like that. The man cave is the equivalent of your dark place.

I'm trying to come up with a catchy name, or a one liner but I can't come up with any.
Keep thinking!
No!
I quit!
You damn tyrant.
Well, looks like death by firing squad then, and I don't shoot bullets. If you know what I mean.
No, fuck that, Saddam. I already quit. You've been over thrown.

I'm thinking about getting ready for work.
That's like making plans to make plans.

Well, happy birthday.
*throws change*
And not good shit, like gold dollars. Rusty pennies, for you!
Can they at least be Canadian pennies. I'd rather not be shamed by my own country.
But you're okay being shamed by Canadians?
Yeah, 'cause you know, fuck Canada!
True that.

So is it compassion or cruelty if I throw a roll of quarters at you?
Meh, it's a mix.
But it's ten bucks and it's pre-wrapped.
I won't settle for anything less than twelve.